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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

4:30am

This is the worst hour of my every day.

This is the hour where I feel saddest, the angriest, envious, bitter and alone. This is when I have the best and the worst feeds with the boys. It's when I reflect on everything that has happened to me and my boys since November 9th 2007 when we found out we were pregnant and thought it was just one baby. Even that first confirmation was tarnished with complications, at the time unexplained bleeding that turned out to be a second baby. Since that day I have not stopped worrying, being anxious, living one day at a time, one hour at a time. I have not slept more than 3 hours uninterrupted since January 2008 because when you are pregnant you have to pee often and then you stay awake uncomfortable and worrying. And my lack of uninterrupted blissful sleep is not because my poor husband and mother haven't tried to give me much needed rest. They try every weekend possible. It's because I can't turn this worry off. This pregnancy and parenthood has not been what I had hoped it would be. And the bad just keeps stacking.

When the boys were in the NICU and even for a few months after they were home, everyone remarked how well and upbeat and happy we were, that I was. And I was. But really I'm not. I have not enjoyed having babies. I'm so preoccupied with keeping up the constant bad stuff they are going through that I am struggling more and more and more with finding the good things and enjoying moments because those moments just aren't happening like they normally would. Even stupid little crap makes me up set, like the fact that I can't buy clothes on sale for next season for the boys because I don't know how big or little they will be. Or that by such and such time they will be able to do XYZ and we can go places because it will be three more months until that's actually possible. Or that eating anything isn't going to be painful, requiring coercion, a change of clothes per child and take less than two hours each child. Or feeling like I can be left alone with them for a whole day with no help,(I don't know how you do it Sweater!! You are Wonder Woman.)and feeling guilty because I often don't want the help that I have and need 24/7 for free, because I want to be like other Moms of Multiples who do it alone no problem. I am uncontrollably enraged when people even hint at joking about not wanting to be pregnant just one more day at full term because they don't want to be uncomfortable. Enraged at their selfish shortsightedness. But their baby would be fine, and I know it. I dwell on that one stupid thoughtless comment for days and days. So lame.

This is the worst hour of my day. I am angriest at me, at the doctors, everyone around me, at the world. I sit in tears struggling to feed one baby at a time thinking of all the things, some very mean and nasty things, I want to say to get the doctors to fix my boys so they can eat and grow and be happy. And I am so very sad and tired. At this hour of the day I am the worst version of me possible.

7 comments:

Shana said...

I am so sorry, you are doing your best given the situation you were put in, and that's all you can do. I know it's hard, but try not to compare yourself to other mommmies, they don't have the same issues you have with your boys. I hope feedings get better and you see the end of this monster, we call REFLUX! I hate it too!

n. said...

i just want to give you a big hug! the thing is no one asks to be that mom at 4:30am, but its part of motherhood! one day soon you will find yourself enjoying more tender and fun moments and dreading less of the repetitive junk that we have to do as moms. and dare i say, that one day you will find yourself saying i miss that alone time that i used to have with my boys in the wee hours of the morning.

i still find myself reflecting on bedrest days and nicu days and the early days at home. honestly, the tears still come just as easily. for me i have to remind myself that its ok to feel the true raw feelings. i didnt have the idealic pregnancy that i dreamed about. its a process getting over that.

its not a club that any of us wants to be a part of, but now that you are a lifetime member of the mother of preemies its ok to lean on some of us. you are doing a fantastic job - keep up the good work!

somehwhere along this journey i came across this link. i hope it helps you gain some perspective like it did for me:
http://www.preemie-l.org/ALEXIs21.html

Sara said...

I am so so sorry! I hate those moments of utter hopelessness of what we can't change. Sending you lots of love and hugs today.
~Sara

Kelly, Louis, and Ruby said...

Just know you are not alone and I think YOU are a superwoman!

Blue Moon Mama said...

I am glad that you wrote this.

I think it is really valuable to acknowledge the low points, and to recognize that it's OK to stand back and say that sometimes, it really sucks.

I can offer you only this little bit of consolation: I think most new moms suffer from some disillusionment, and it can be very emotionally difficult even when everything seems to be going right.

In saying that, it is not my intent to diminish the very, very hard road that you and D and the boys find yourselves on. You have already dealt with so many challenges, and I realize there are still many in front of you. There is no doubt that you all face particular challenges that many parents cannot even imagine.

But I can vividly remember a day when I was sitting on the couch with T, still miserably failing at nursing, and I thought to myself, "What is the most painless way to end all this for me and this baby?" I remember thinking that carbon monoxide sounded pretty easy and painless.

It's hard for me to admit that that moment took place. I've been lucky that I have never struggled with depression or mood problems. But the changes in my life with the birth of T, coupled with the physiological changes, were so difficult that I did not think my life would ever be right again. I felt such a keen sense of loss -- I had lost the freedom to indulge myself -- to take a shower daily, to hang out at the movies with my husband, to stop and get a bite to eat somewhere, to sleep in, to sit around in my PJs on a rainy day and do nothing.

Instead, I had this needy little person crying at me, demanding my constant attention, and turning my world upside down.

I know now that I was experiencing a kind of grief, and I hadn't expected it because who would think that a new mom with a healthy baby and much good fortune would have a reason to grieve? But now I think grieving seems a very natural part of new parenthood, because as individuals and as a couple, you lose the kind of life you had before.

I can imagine that for you, the grief is all the more keen because such premature babies are so very demanding, and because you have more than your fair share of worrying to deal with. On top of the worry and anxiety, you are denied the pleasures of "normal" milestones. Your challenges are clearer far greater, and that hardly seems fair to you.

As time goes by, I believe you will get a better handle on your grief and anxiety. And you will gradually reclaim many of the things you have lost, including some more sleep! Maybe you will become as adept with your little ones as some of the other moms of multiples that you see -- or maybe you won't, because you'll have different strengths as a mom.

But take some comfort in the fact that even if things had gone much more smoothly, you would still not escape this grieving process, and there would still be many sources of anxiety. You would still compare yourself to other moms, and you'd still conclude that you're just terrible at this motherhood gig.

I think the vast majority of moms find that reality falls short of their expectations, and motherhood is far more difficult, unpleasant, and painful than they expected. Recognizing that this is normal -- and that YOU are entitled to feeling that way far more than the average new mom -- seems to me a huge step towards centering yourself in your post-babies life.

You will find some peace; just give yourself lots of time, and lots of forgiveness for your stumbles along the way.

Annie and Jason said...

I'm bawling right now as I type this. I read every single word nodding my head in empathy. You've ALWAYS supported me and always seem to know why I have the fears and worries that I do. We both understand the constant struggles of a child to be like other children, while our heart breaks knowing they're not. We always fear our child will be the "little one" who isn't as fast or good. There aren't many out there that I can relate to like you.
And I'm not a wonder woman...I cry and yell almost everyday that "I'm not a nurse!!" and I curse the world for our situation.
I hope we can continue to see eachother thru all this. It has to be better some day...it just has to.
((HUGS)) and love to you and your gorgeous boys.

Valerie said...

This is sooooo true. ((HUGS))