Saturday, May 02, 2009

Feeling a bit green

I knew these days were coming. It's no surprise. You know the saying, "Time waits for no one" and certainly not for me. At the end of this week all three of my good friends, and one thankfully already has, will have surpassed me in baking their babies past 28 weeks 6 days of gestation.

All three friends are due one week after the other in a row in July. Each week that they respectively hit 28 weeks it is a bitter sweet thing for me that I can not stop myself from thinking about. It hits me out of nowhere at the most random moments. I get all sad and weepy and depressed and happy and thrilled at the same time, kind of manic. And then it passes because I've got to move on (and like I said neither time nor twins wait for me). And the next week when another girl hits their 28 weeks the count down of weepyness starts all over again. I keep thinking "In six more days I would have my children, In three days I would become a parent and I was so no where near ready, by tomorrow I would be wheeled from the recovery room of the OR and into the NICU to see my boys for the first time and I couldn't even touch them, etc." And then on the day they hit 29 weeks I'm so happy but so envious. Jealous, down right green even. And then the day after that I'm past it, sort of. Because I don't think I'll ever be able to get truly past it.

I guess as a mother of mico-preemies, and having never had a healthy full term pregnancy (and never going to have one either) you never really get over seeing these happy healthy uncomfortable women. Maybe it's mean of me, and I'm sorry if it is because it has nothing to do with them, but very time I hear or see a hugely pregnant woman say they are uncomfortable, move in aching discomfort I can't help myself but think "How wonderful that must feel to be so uncomfortable. What I wouldn't give to be uncomfortable like that. Good. Good for them for being uncomfortable, the way it should be."

So keep baking those babies girls! Despite what I say above, I'm still ecstatic for you and am so happy things are going so well for everyone. And for Kelly, I am sorry. I had not been able to grasp the thought of it all like this before, probably because I'm always so wrapped up in my weird life, but now I think I have an inkling of what you are going through. Just an inkling because I'm sure the scope and scariness of it for you is bigger than I realize. You will get there and one day I will be reacting the same way for you too. You're sick of hearing me saying it, but like the secret says, positive thoughts beget positive outcomes. I'm going to stay positive for you, because I love you.

Whew, where are my tissues? Okay, I'm done.

It occurs to me now that I haven't posted any pictures of the boys in a while. They are feeling so much better and eating so much better and working on sleeping better, so things are looking good right now. No one has vomited, either expectedly or unexpectedly in two days. The washing machine is getting a break. I promise my next post will be full of pictures and happier things.


ivory and jamie said...

It's so hard :( A lot of my friends now know that when you hit 29w there is a sign of relief because most babies do pretty well after that point. I'm glad that I can be a source of inspiration, but at the same time I'm SO jealous. I'm jealous every time I see a couple registering because they seem so blissfully happy. I'm jealous every time someone's worst complaint is morning sickness. I'm jealous when people get to have the births that they dreamed of.
I'm jealous a lot :)

Annie and Jason said...

Hugs to you my friend...I totally totally understand and extend my shoulder.
The boys haven't thrown up in two days??? THAT'S FANTASTIC!!! Not even once?? omg...I'm so excited I could pee myself - any clue what did the trick? maybe growing out of it? what are your feelings???

Kelly, Louis, and Ruby said...

You are a good person, and I think we all feel that way sometimes. And by we all, I mean preemie moms haha. Anyway, you can't help how you feel in these moments. Character is shown through your actions despite your feelings! And you my dear have character. You continue to support your girlfriends, which them the best, and hope they have that you were not able to. They are lucky to have you... And I wish them all luck too!

Trish said...

Oh hugs to you, girlie.. I feel the same way ALL THE TIME.

Jennifer said...

You are honest. And that's why I like you! I think you've inspired a blog posting, stay tuned. Though I may piss some people with "perfect babies" off. But hey, they've been making some rude comments lately so whatever. Anyway, you are a hero to many, lady.

Blue Moon Mama said...

I think there's so much power in OWNING your emotions, even when they are conflicted and complicated, and when voicing them challenges the perspectives of others.

There's no doubt that carrying a baby to term is hard work, and it sure is uncomfortable. But you and others have made sure that the lucky moms like me know that compared to the alternative, carrying that baby to term is a piece of cake. And more importantly, something to be so grateful for.

K. said...

I get it; I've walked your walk and I get it. The envy doesn't go away - but the pain of it does. The first year or two, when you are going through the various milestones is the hardest. You reflect on the what if's and the "I wish I experienced that" moments. And then, when the kids are finally "normal" (and they will be), you finally learn to move on. There is nothing I've ever experienced quite like this emotional roller coaster - but trust me when I tell you, you are a stronger person for it and you have a different appreciation for most things. There are good parts, despite some of the raw emotions we feel so often. Every tear is a healing tear - and confronting these thoughts and feelings is all part of the healing. You, my friend, are one amazing Mom. Each day that passes, your boys get bigger & stronger - what wonderful news that they are doing so well after the tube adjustment. Progress is getting quicker every day. They are the handsomest :) xoxo